Day 18 - 10/27/18
The day after my birthday celebration has found me winded down. I've found myself reflecting on my life, my dreams and my diagnosis. I remember when I reached age 40, I began to examine my life's accomplishments. Although I have always followed a "no regrets" philosophy, I began to feel that I could have made some better decisions in my life. I began to examine and over examine my successes and failures, and I constantly compared where I was to where I wanted to be. I didn't necessarily feel like a failure, but I didn't feel successful either. Throughout the remainder of my 40's, up until now, I've scrutinized every decision that I've made, and I've often wondered if I was moving down the correct path.
And now, here I am, getting ready to face a physical battle that I believe God has prepared me to face, but I am very uncertain how I will handle it. Admittedly, I'm feeling the weight of the diagnosis on my shoulders.
I've promised myself, from the beginning of this journey, that I would search for and submit to my true feelings. I've wanted to be true to myself and others as I write about my battle. I know I don't owe anyone anything, but if my goal is to help others through their journey, I must be truthful about how I'm feeling through my own journey. And right now, I can admit that I am struggling with fear... Fear of the unknown... Fear of negative test results.... Fear of my loved ones being worried about me throughout this process.
Knowing that I have to make adjustments to my lifestyle--eating right and exercising--I decided to go to the gym for a light work-out. Well.... it's not so much as a work-out with weights and grueling weight machines... Ok... I'm actually just going to get on the treadmill and walk a little... No need in shocking my system all at once, right? So I turned on a little gospel music for motivation. The song that comes on is "You Will Win" by Jekalyn Carr. Well to say that God will ALWAYS meet you where you are and carry you when you are feeling fatigued sounds like an exaggeration to some people. But my God... He has NEVER failed me yet!
With every word spoken in the song, I felt my strength being restored. This was exactly what I needed, exactly when I needed it. The heaviness I felt, only moments before, has been completely removed. I am reminded that all of my faith is in the one who created me. He's got me through this entire process, and I must trust Him and rest in His arms.
What I pray that you get from reading this is that it's ok to have moments of uncertainty and weakness. It's ok to feel overwhelmed by the storm you are facing in your life. Admitting your struggles is not a sign of defeat. The key to overcoming your fears is acknowledgement of your feelings and opening your heart so God can strengthen you for the battle. In the moments when you are uncertain and not sure if He's there, just reach out to Him. He's there. Just waiting to catch you.
“I know you’re hurt. I know you’re torn. I know you’re broken but, you will win. All of those may be facts but the truth still remains that in the name of Jesus you will win!” (Carr, Jekaylyn, "You Will Win," 2017)