Day 85 - 1/2/19
I decided many years ago that I would stop making a “New Year’s Resolution”. I decided this because I never kept them, and I usually felt guilty about not keeping them. Although I understand the purpose of setting them, it defeats the purpose if they are broken within the 1st month. So to avoid disappointing myself each year, I just stopped setting them. So today I am not declaring a New Year’s Resolution, but I have, however, come to what I am going to call, an Awakening.
Prior to my breast cancer diagnosis, I was pretty much muddling through life, with no clear direction or path. I loved God and had faith in Him, but I was complacent in our relationship. After the diagnosis, my life and focus changed. The diagnosis has forced me to re-evaluated my life, my faith and the things that matter most to me.
As I started this journey, I had a goal to share my experience so I could help others adjust to life after a cancer diagnosis. I felt and understood the fear and uncertainty surrounding what was going on with my body and my life, and I wanted to share how I was coping with this life-changing situation.
As I started on my road to recovery, I was excited about my task at hand. I had already established my website “Healing Through Faith” for blogging about emotional healing, so adding on my breast cancer journey was just a matter of creating another page. I ran, full steam ahead, with the vision of helping others to cope.
Somewhere in the midst of the last month, my vision became cloudy. I started focusing on myself. I started to fear what the future holds for me. I began to entertain the negative voices in my head, which planted seeds of discord about my survival. I began to wonder—what if I don’t survive all of this? What if the cancer stops responding to the medications and treatments?
Unfortunately, I started allowing negative self-talk to invade my conscious mind. This invasion planted seeds of doubt and insecurity about my purpose. I wasn’t so sure about being able to reach the people that I so desperately wanted to help. I became unclear about my goal and purpose.
My Awakening: This journey is not about me. I want to touch as many lives as I can with my testimony. I realized the doubt and insecurity came in to play when I started focusing on me. As long as I was focused on others, I understood that all of this has a purpose. In order to keep my faith working, I have to re-direct my thoughts to my original goal—helping others. What truly matters most to me is helping others to see that this diagnosis is not a death sentence.
Life is too short to focus on the “what ifs” and “if thens.” I want to make the most of every moment that I am afforded. While no one is promised tomorrow, it matters most what we make of the time we are given today. This disease will not get the best of me—mentally or physically.
The change in my attitude towards life begins with the voices that I allow in my head. I have a choice to entertain the negative, or I can choose to listen to the positive. Listening to the positive voices helps me to walk in my faith. I absolutely have the right to be insecure about my future. I have the right to doubt myself. What I can’t do, however, is confess that I am trusting and believing in God, but allowing the negative thoughts to take root in my mind.
In my awakening, I understand that healing takes a leap of faith. Faith leaping is shutting out those voices that are trying to convince me to worry and doubt God. Faith leaping means that I accept what God has ordained for my life. Faith leaping means that I understand that my cancer diagnosis is not about me—it’s about the people that I have been blessed to touch with my story.
So, how do I ensure that I am leaping in faith? Each time the negativity starts, I must drown it out with positive thoughts. I prefer to meditate on scriptures, but anything that diverts energy from the negative to the positive is what I must do to leap in faith. I must reinforce that, not only do I believe God, but I also trust Him.
“Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.” Hebrews 11: 1 NIV